Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.



Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.



Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.



Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.



Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.



Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.



Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the! Bible?< /SPAN>
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.



Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.



Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.



Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.



Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.




PS. Did you know it's not a woman's job to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . "He-brews"






HAPPY EASTER!

They found the casket of Jesus! 45 pilthy comebacks

They found the casket of Jesus

45 Pithy Comebacks

1. Explain to me why a poor family from Bethlehem would be buried in a middle class grave in Jerusalem.
   
   
2. Mary, Jesus and Joseph were the most popular names in Israel at this time. That is why the Jewish archaeologists who first discovered these caskets in 1980 NEVER claimed these belonged to the family of Jesus. The odds are too preposterous.
   
   
3. Israeli archaeologist Joel Rosenberg believes this new film is nonsense.
   
   
4. So does Jewish archaeologist Amos Kloner.
   
   
5. There is no credible evidence that Jesus was ever married. The only possible reference to Jesus being married is in a 14^th century manuscript (Acts of Phillip) that nobody deems credible.
   
   
6. There is no evidence that Jesus had children.
   
   
7. They claim they have proof that Jesus had a baby. We can’t even determine the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. (Jay Leno)
   
   
8. As there is no credible evidence that Jesus was married with children, this discovery does not prove that Jesus was married; it proves that these caskets don’t belong to Jesus. If Jesus was not married to Mary, this whole theory collapses.
   
   
9. If Jesus had a wife and children, wouldn’t Jesus have told John to only take care of His mother when He was on the cross?
   
   
10. Jesus son of Joseph is hardly legible.
    
    
11. Professor Stephen Pfann in Jerusalem believes the name “Jesus” should actually be interpreted “Hanun.”
    
    
12. For such an esteemed Rabbi, the family sure did a sloppy job of inscribing His name on the casket.
    
    
13. Jesus is never referred to as “The son of Joseph” in early Christian witness. That is the inscription on the casket.
    
    
14. If you were going to hide a casket, would you put it in Jerusalem and label it “Jesus”?
    
    
15. Why did they only test the DNA of the Jesus and Miriamne casket and not the caskets of the others? Because if they discovered that the DNA didn’t match, their story would crumble.
    
    
16. The scientist who did the limited DNA testing said, “Don’t be deceived by the media. This type of DNA testing cannot test every relationship.”
    
    
17. There is no DNA baseline available to prove this was the burial box of Jesus.
    
    
18. Miriamne e Mara is not legible, they are speculating.
    
    
19. Miriamne e Mara is almost certainly interpreted wrong. “Mara” is probably a contraction of Martha and is probably a second name.
    
    
20. Miriamne is NOT Mary Magdalene. Mary Magdalene is not written on the casket.
    
    
21. Is the Yose (Joseph) married to Maria? Who knows?
    
    
22. Is Jesus married to Miriamne? Who knows?
    
    
23. The name Miriamne is not found in any credible text. Not one. The only time that we can find the name Miriamne is in reference to Herod’s wife, Miriamne.
    
    
24. Matya (they claim that is Matthew) is found on one of the caskets. If this is Matthew, why would Jesus’ disciple be buried with him?
    
    
25. There is no evidence that Jesus had a brother named Matthew.
    
    
26. Defenders claim that if Joseph and Mary had more children than what the Bible lists, “The name Matthew is consistent with the type of name that Mary and Joseph might have named one of their children.” That is not a credible argument.
    
    
27. They simply left Matthew out of the picture to make the statistical analysis look better.
    
    
28. They are doing their statistics backwards. They start with the presupposition that this is Jesus tomb and then try to determine the odds. You can’t do that.
    
    
29. If we found a gravesite today with the names John and David, John’s son (the equivalent to Jesus and Joseph) could we conclude which John this was? How many John’s have had a wife named Mary and a child name David in the last two centuries? Then if you knew that David was unmarried and from Los Angeles, but the tomb was found in New York, would you feel confident you had identified the right David?
    
    
30. Joseph’s tomb is missing. Why?
    
    
31. Jesus’ half-brother Jude is missing. Why?
    
    
32. Jesus’ half brother Simon is missing. Why?
    
    
33. Jesus sisters may be missing. Why?
    
    
34. If Jesus was buried and didn’t rise from the dead, why did Jesus’ half brother, James, die preaching that Jesus rose from the dead?
    
    
35. Ditto for Jude.
    
    
36. How could the family have kept this a secret from the early church?
    
    
37. Wouldn’t the Romans been able to find this casket and end the dispute?
    
    
38. Wouldn’t the Jews happily dug up this casket to put an end to this new Jewish cult named Christianity?
    
    
39. Trying to resolve whose caskets these are is like trying to figure who put the first dagger in Julius Caesar.
    
    
40. While science and CSI techniques can be helpful, we don’t have a time machine to take us back to the first century.
    
    
41. Eisegesis is when you form a conclusion and then go find the evidence for your theory. That is what they have done here.
    
    
42. There are a thousand scenarios to explain this. To assign ownership to Jesus is simply not reasonable.
    
    
43. We have films and eyewitnesses of the JFK assassination and we still can’t figure out who killed him.
    
    
44. If this were a civil case, it would be laughed out of court.
    
    
45. Wow! You trust this film more than the Bible? Now that’s faith. The Bible is a more reliable source of information than this circus of evidence.
    
    
    Technorati: christian humor,wise sayings,christian wisdom
    

Christian One Liners

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

1) Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

2) Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

3) Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

4) It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

5) The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

6) When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

7) People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

8) Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

9) Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

10) If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11) God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

12) Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

13) Peace starts with a smile.

14) I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

15) A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises"
are just sitting on the premises.

16) We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

17) Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

18) Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

19)Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

20)Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

21)Forbidden fruits create many jams.

22)God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

23)God grades on the cross, not the curve.

24)God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

25)God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

26)He who angers you, controls you!

27)If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

28)Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

29)The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

30)The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

31)We don't change the message, the message changes us.

32)You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

33)The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


Technorati: christian humor,wise sayings,christian wisdom